I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
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