I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my shit smells like andre
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
