I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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