My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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