On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
