So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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