I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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