her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
