Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
