youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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