I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
