genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
