So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
