I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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