Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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