Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
