I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
