East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
