i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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