So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
