i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
