No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
