textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
