Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
