I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
