Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
