Your face is a jimmy john
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
