sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
