Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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