last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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