I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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