i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
