sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
