Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
