then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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