i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
