If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
