You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
