If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
