true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
