finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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