I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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