so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
