two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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