i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
