Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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