She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
