i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
