I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
