i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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