I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
