Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
