its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
