I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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