Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
