I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
